Sunday, 22 April 2012

Terms and Conditions of a Loan from Kobi Blake Craig's Library

For me nothing arouses stronger hate than a person who destroys my books. Call me uptight and pretentious and curse about/behind/to me; I don’t care. Crease the spine of my paperback and I will rearrange your face. This is a legitimate threat.

I could not love my books more than a human child, this is a fully legitimate analogy. While, I may not kiss them all goodnight I don’t lend them to just anybody. To be loaned a book from Kobi Blake-Craig’s personal library you must meet the following difficult selection criteria.
a) Have made a public proclamation regarding a love of literature.
b) Demonstrate an adequate level of care for your own library.
c) Prove your ownership of a book mark.
d) Present proof that you have ever visited a library. The proof is acceptable in the form of a library card or library receipt. If the latter your name must be clearly visible along with a check out date no more than two years ago.
Due to my tough selection process I can probably only list on one hand people who I permit to borrow from my library.

Makes me want to rearrange my brother's face...
After what I now refer to as the Harry Potter Annihilation I only allow one third of my family members to read my books (that is one person). The Harry Potter Annihilation commenced on the god forsaken day my brother commenced reading the Harry Potter series. One by one, book by book he single-handedly destroyed the spine, pages and covers of my novels. Each time he finished one, he would swear it would never happen again. Sadly however he had a problem and my books suffered. Following this my mum openly admitted to the immense pleasure that dog earring a page gives her. Honestly, I 100% of the time I want to believe I am adopted. 

Don’t get me wrong, I like markings on books that have sentimental value. I love a good second hand book as much as the next person. However when someone screws with my books (as the French would say) merde is going down. It’s like when a dog marks its territory on your white fence; someone is going to get hurt.

So if you happen to be offered a book from my library, ever. Accept the loan, knowing that you have actually made it in life.

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