Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 - A Review

I entered the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 with limited to no expectations, and I wasn't let down. We all are aware of my-not-seeing-a-movie-before-reading-the- book phobia. So as of yesterday not only have I read four very pointless and very boring books but endured every film adaptation. It is merely my OCD tendencies which compel me to read and view the atrocity which is the Twilight Saga. 

Twilight will always encompass every negative stereotype that exists about contemporary youth. I clearly have some sick pleasure in subjecting myself to something which I hate so profoundly. The conceptual weakness of Twilight is nothing compared to the poor execution of Meyer's writing. And as for the movies.... I feel I have wasted countless hours of my life watching Edward experience chronic constipation. Every movie renders me incapable of lucid thought as I endure these three main bastard characters staring at each other. 

Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 was the most comical of the film installments, but probably not for the right reasons. Spoiler alert: Bella becomes a vampire and a mother. This is basically the plot of the movie, sorry. As a Vampire she inherits some fairly wicked strength and speed. In one particular scene she runs so fast she sees a flower bloom. I think I missed the next 20 minutes of the film as I struggled to make sense of the situation. I always thought the  blooming of a flower was commonly a process that happens occurs over more than 0. something of a second- how does Bella's new found speed affect the rate of vegetation growth? It perplexes me most profoundly. This is the way my mind works. 

As I said before the film also documents Bella's newfound motherhood with a creepy looking half human/half-vampire child who seems to be on some kind of steroid growth tablets. The unnaturally growing freak child looks like  ET's offspring; was there not enough unnatural life forms in this saga already? If nothing else the film acts as a reminder that Vampires should not copulate with mere mortals; the resulting offspring look incredibly inbred.  

Speaking of copulations, the film features K-Stew and R-Pat doing the deed. As the movie is only M, not many liberties were taken and if seeking a nipple other than Patterson's Twilight Audiences should consult Stewart's On The Road. The final film sees Jacob Black grow from a friend-zoned werewolf, to a molesting dog who has forgotten to how to take his shirt off. The only scene in which Jacob manages a strip tease involves a forty-something year old man. What can I say.?..Breaking Dawn Part 2 is a film of many genres including Gay/Mature Porno. I certainly am not on Team Jacob for Taylor's impeccable acting skills. The film include a twist ending, which honestly livened up the film. Who doesn't like a little bloodshed- I definitely preferred Dakota Fanning's fate. 

At the end of the day reviewing Twilight is a pointless exercise; but you all know how much I love wasting my time. Haters will hate Twi-hards will love and the objective viewer will sit in the corner of the cinema trying to cling to lucid thought. As the closing credits rolled, I didn't know if I was happy not to see another sparkling vampire or get nostalgic about Taylor's abs (which sadly are not very present in the film. I have tried to compensate by including some ravishing images throughout this otherwise mundane and non-arousing review). 

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Schoolies, The Best Week of Our Lives?

There is a legitimate website which outlines The History of Schoolies. It defines Schoolies Week as a cultural rite of passage.  It is the type of website which I would have loved to have referenced in a bibliography at school because of the lovely ".org" tacked onto the end of the URL. Fortunately, bibliographies are basically irrelevant to my life and a thing of the past (well until Uni commences in February).  

People who know me, even vaguely (let's face it that is a majority of my audience) understand that I uphold a merry disposition whilst loathing humanity. "I hate all people. Some just have more love-able traits than others" (My Marvelous Self, 2012). If this is the first thing you have heard about me, it is probably a fantastic place to commence our relationship. Now that you understand my outlook on life, it will come as no shock to you that in approaching my Schoolies experience, the Gold Coast was not top of my list of desirable destinations.  To me the Gold Coast is a hybrid of Las Vegas and Logan and somewhat epitomises a low point in humanity. To put it simply, I chose to spend "the best week of my life" at Noosa.  

The entire week created the magnificent allusion that in the real world it is acceptable to be an alcoholic and  throw around racial slurs more frequently than I shower. Upon reflection I can see the week encouraged me to embrace the accepting nature of our Australian culture whilst experiencing leaps of regression in the intelligence of my friends/ acquaintances/ associates. Maybe it was a little bit of fate, or perhaps it is more evidence of my over indulgence in all Orwell's literature; but the irony in the numbering of room 101 was almost too much for me to handle.

A bizarre, pointless yet totally relevant photo
Sadly, like all things Schoolies had to come to an end. In many ways I found it more distressing than graduating as I now suddenly feel thrust into the real world. For Schoolies was a week of wax strips, perpetual leakage of washout hair dye (currently on special at Noosa Super IGA for $3.88),  witnessing a grown person urinating into a cup and experiencing the climatic aural orgasm which is Bon Iver. To pitch Schoolies as The best week of my life or rite of passage would be pushing it. However, it was one of the most bizarre, pointless yet totally relevant weeks of my existence thus far.