Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 - A Review

I entered the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 with limited to no expectations, and I wasn't let down. We all are aware of my-not-seeing-a-movie-before-reading-the- book phobia. So as of yesterday not only have I read four very pointless and very boring books but endured every film adaptation. It is merely my OCD tendencies which compel me to read and view the atrocity which is the Twilight Saga. 

Twilight will always encompass every negative stereotype that exists about contemporary youth. I clearly have some sick pleasure in subjecting myself to something which I hate so profoundly. The conceptual weakness of Twilight is nothing compared to the poor execution of Meyer's writing. And as for the movies.... I feel I have wasted countless hours of my life watching Edward experience chronic constipation. Every movie renders me incapable of lucid thought as I endure these three main bastard characters staring at each other. 

Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 was the most comical of the film installments, but probably not for the right reasons. Spoiler alert: Bella becomes a vampire and a mother. This is basically the plot of the movie, sorry. As a Vampire she inherits some fairly wicked strength and speed. In one particular scene she runs so fast she sees a flower bloom. I think I missed the next 20 minutes of the film as I struggled to make sense of the situation. I always thought the  blooming of a flower was commonly a process that happens occurs over more than 0. something of a second- how does Bella's new found speed affect the rate of vegetation growth? It perplexes me most profoundly. This is the way my mind works. 

As I said before the film also documents Bella's newfound motherhood with a creepy looking half human/half-vampire child who seems to be on some kind of steroid growth tablets. The unnaturally growing freak child looks like  ET's offspring; was there not enough unnatural life forms in this saga already? If nothing else the film acts as a reminder that Vampires should not copulate with mere mortals; the resulting offspring look incredibly inbred.  

Speaking of copulations, the film features K-Stew and R-Pat doing the deed. As the movie is only M, not many liberties were taken and if seeking a nipple other than Patterson's Twilight Audiences should consult Stewart's On The Road. The final film sees Jacob Black grow from a friend-zoned werewolf, to a molesting dog who has forgotten to how to take his shirt off. The only scene in which Jacob manages a strip tease involves a forty-something year old man. What can I say.?..Breaking Dawn Part 2 is a film of many genres including Gay/Mature Porno. I certainly am not on Team Jacob for Taylor's impeccable acting skills. The film include a twist ending, which honestly livened up the film. Who doesn't like a little bloodshed- I definitely preferred Dakota Fanning's fate. 

At the end of the day reviewing Twilight is a pointless exercise; but you all know how much I love wasting my time. Haters will hate Twi-hards will love and the objective viewer will sit in the corner of the cinema trying to cling to lucid thought. As the closing credits rolled, I didn't know if I was happy not to see another sparkling vampire or get nostalgic about Taylor's abs (which sadly are not very present in the film. I have tried to compensate by including some ravishing images throughout this otherwise mundane and non-arousing review). 

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