It is rare that I am moved by an emotionally driven plot. Did I write rare, because I should have written never. I have never, ever cried in a movie; or a book for that matter. Perhaps I am heartless; but at least I have dignity. How does sitting in the darkened cinema blubbering resurrect Marley? How does emptying you tear ducts in the opening scenes of Up make you a better person? No matter how many times you weep at Titanic the boat still sinks (along with your dignity).
Crying is a low point in humanity. It achieves nothing more than making the crier look like an ugly blubbering mess. Don't get me wrong, crying is acceptable. Who would I be to say that a natural human instinct should be condemned? The Old Testament is riddled with references of weeping. The ancient Hebrews wept as part of their supplications to God and prior to entering battle. The Gospel writers often record that Jesus wept. Jesus may have wept, but humanity does not need to draw inspiration from his emotional display. Medieval Japan and Europe are full of epic tales of crying. Warriors like Beowulf invest their tears in spiritual questions. Romantics saw women regularly weeping in the face of spinsterhood and loneliness. This was obviously useless, no one finds weeping a turn on. Great theologian Thomas Aquinas and the ancient Greeks communicated the idea that it was best to cry in the absence of people's eyes. I say, AMEN AQUINAS. You too may subject yourself to an emotional breakdown in the form of tears when you are the son of God or an epic warrior like Beowulf. Let's be honest unless you are one of these men, nobody wants to see your chocked and puffy face in a dimly lit cinema; especially if they trying to consume food. Crying is rather hideous.
Permit me to say, there are times in which crying is more acceptable than others. Crying in reaction to major injury is among those (by major, I mean decapitation). Crying in the comedy Planes, Trains and Automobiles is not an acceptable. collegecandy.com speculates that there are five movies acceptable to cry during.
1. The Titanic
2. The Notebook
3. Marley and Me
4. A Walk to Remember
5. Forest Gump
By the way, I fell down the stairs again last week and I didn't even cry. That's how they make em in Brisbane.