Monday, 16 July 2012

Let's Be Honest: Winter Makes Fools Of Us All

There are many ways to pinpoint the start of winter. Unlike the Northern Hemisphere we Australians do not wake up one morning to the clouds leaking white shit all over our lawn.  Most Australians mark the winter season conventionally; by the calendar. Because let's face it, the fine black print on June 1st seems highly legitimate.  People who are inclined to astronomy, would know that the winter season is defined by orbital relationship of the earth and the sun. While these methods may be useful, I personally pinpoint winter with my killer instincts. When I crave hot drinks, can see my breath dispersing in the atmosphere before me and question the will to live I know winter has arrived.

Let's be honest, winter is a brutal bastard of a season. The behaviour of humans (and other animals for that matter) becomes ridiculous, we all become ill and or severely unhealthy. Suddenly the regimented routine of a daily 8 kilometre run does not seem nearly as inciting when you sweat icicles. Such sports  as running, swimming and cycling are replaced with sports not so recognised by the Olympics such as marathon showering. As humans we have a tendency to consume warm, comfort food. To generalise; hot food is not healthy food. 

If I objectively observe my behaviour during the winter months, it becomes humiliating. I lie rigidly in bed knowing that any wrong movement will through off the triple B balance I have going on (body, blanket, bed).  I set my alarm for 5.30 am; an entire hour before I must rise and shine. Hindsight has taught me that I like to lie in a still state for an hour before I attempt to get up. The humiliation doesn't end here. I then make the insanely mad dash from my warm bed to equally if not more warm shower. It's a legitimate analogy to say that I run faster than Usain Bolt to the shower. At night I find my self clinging more closely to everything (pets, blankets, cups and strangers off the street). This is definitely not because I become emotional and sentimental during the frosty months but because they are a great source of heat and hypothetically speaking could be killed and utilised for protein if life should come to an extreme survival situation. Which let's be honest; winter is an extreme survival situation. 

Winter not only renders my behaviour more humiliating but my dress sense bogan. I permanently trend ugg boots and a tracksuit; because lets be honest warmth and comfort is more important than looking dishy for the boys in a skimpy slut uniform. Our shops never seem to be equipped with the correct attire for our season. It would appear that the world, and indeed Australians are in permeant denial that we ever get a winter. I feel like carrying a sign down Queen Street Mall which bears something along the lines of, thongs (for your feet) are not a seasonal item of apparel you fools. 

Our bodies seem to go into shut down when faced with the unpleasantness of winter.  We contract repulsive viruses like influenza and gastro which cause various parts of us to leak unpleasant liquids. Scientists discovered that during the cooler months we yawn less, piss more and our hair grows ten percent slower. 

Personally I can't wait till the Spring; I want to be my fit and thriving hairy self again. 

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