Thursday, 2 August 2012

Let's Be Honest: All Children Are All Little Morons

Dear future daughter/son/tranny child,

Firstly, congratulations on being my child. 

I'm hoping you are at least 13 when you read this because Mummy has some serious issues she would like to get off her chest.  You may need to find a comfortable place to read this letter as some content may be slightly unsettling, confronting and or upsetting. To quote the character you were most scared of in your childhood, Agatha Trunchbull Some rats are going to die today. I believe it is important for you to know that I have accomplished much more than being your personal cleaner in my life; actually parenting significantly lowered my standards of living. As you can see my problems are a little deeper than the festering filthy dishes I have washed for your entire life or the stains and their accompanying odors I have tirelessly removed from your clothes. I need to have a heart to heart to get off my chest problems which are of a more emotional and psychological nature. 

I feel at about 13 you should be old enough to hear the brutal and honest truth about children. They are all little morons. For the first year possibly year and a half of your life you pissed, vomited and shat like you had an out of control septic hose attached to various parts of your baby body. I'll be honest, it was hideous. When you entered your years of walking and God help me when words came from your little cake hole, I started to get agitated. By now you are probably making the horrific whining noise that I always did hate. But honey, think logically there is only a very marginal population in society that appreciates both the physical and metaphorical crap that babies, toddlers and young children inflict upon adults. I never understood why you hated Agatha Trunchbull so much, she always was overflowing with wisdom. Clearly it was too much for your small and somewhat underdeveloped brain to process. I cannot for the life of me understand why small children take so long to grow up, I think they do it deliberately, just to annoy me. 

After the irritating child phase came your equally if not more irritating adolescent stage. The soul searching years of who am I, my body is changing and acne seriously annoyed me. At least when you were a child you knew that denim underwear was severely unattractive. And son, the tighter your skinny jeans the better because it reduces your ability to procreate; it is a fashion trend I regularly wish your father had adhered to. 

About now I should mention that I love and cherish you for the person you have turned out to be. At least that is what all the parenting books and magazines say I should do. Seriously though, you can't be half bad as you share half of your gene pool with yours truly. Xx And to be blunt, I am a pretty alright person. Besides as a woman it is possible for me to multitask practically anything, including my emotions. So, darling I resent and love you simultaneously much like I love to hate Jodi Picoult. Given you have consumed about a decade of my income, you need to know how much you are valued and appreciated. While Mummy wished she had hindsight to know that you were not a good investment you should know that I value the depreciation of my investment immensely.

You may think that I am being overly harsh and critical, but you will know exactly how I feel when you voyage into parenthood yourself; which hopefully will be many years after you turn 13. If I ever win the lottery I will donate half to you not out of pure maternal love, but with motive. Spend it on purchasing property at least three continents away from me. I would expect you to do the same for me. In my retirement please stay the hell away from me. Let's be honest its what we both want.

Love you odles and odles munchkin,
Mummy. <3

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