Thursday, 2 August 2012

Cinema Etiquette

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There are two type of people in this world. Those who have cinema etiquette and those who don't. I personally hate the latter. There is possibly nothing more irritating that sitting next to a person that does not adhere to the simple and logical rules of how to behave in a cinema. For your general information I consider the following five behaviors,  poor cinema etiquette at its finest. 

1. The packet rustler. The idiots who chose the most intense moment in the film to open various foods or beverages. Talk about picking your moment. 
2. The horrifically noisy eater. The idiots who decide to conveniently crunch chips during the intense silence. Honestly, if you must consume food at these moments of heightened silence suck or lick your food please. I do not want to hear what goes on in your mouth as your inhale a packet of chips.
3. The giant. Dear giants, I know you have no control over your height. But for the vertically challenged of this world, you hinder the cinematic experience. I do not want to fight some idiot's over-sized head while trying to perv on Channing Tatum's abs. So giants please if you note a person below average height like my number one fan Elly; please do not sit directly in front, it is rude and I will take it personally.The same rule applies to morons who sit where my feet have comfortably been resting. Honestly, is your ass so needy it has to sit in that exact seat. Nb. If the giant is seated first than obviously there is not a problem.
4. The mindless clapper. To idiots who clap at the end of a film; nobody who cares can hear you. To put it simply the more you clap the more I want to push you in front of a large bus as it travels well over the speed limit. Got it?
5.  The Ads. I realise this is not a human behavior. However, some idiot of a human is in charge of the ads presented to us as an audience. Dear person in charge of ad making, please run ads in a manner that appeals to my OCD tendencies. ie. Advertisements for places, then products, then previews and then the movie. No more than 20 minutes of advertisements would be appreciated. I didn't pay to be bombarded with your propaganda.

If you are aware that you exhibit some of these undesirable behaviors please rectify them before going to a cinema with me.

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